An extra workout...go me!

This week, Book Camp is not being held...I have no idea why, but they didn't ask me!

My friend Kim has been going to a personal trainer...Beth. Beth has her own business...BodiesbyBeth. Beth also has won many competitions, and has also appeared in 2 different editions of Playboy...ya know, the magazine?? She will also be in the August edition!! Needless to say, she's cut and she's gorgeous!

Anyway, Kim's daughter was supposed to accompany her today, but she's at Grandma's, so Kim offered to let me go since the session was already paid for. I was glad to be able to do this, however I was a little nervous about whether or not I could keep up. I mean, I know I've been working hard for 3 weeks, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything!! I really enjoyed being able to laugh about stuff with Kim too...I didn't waste a single smart-ass comment.

I did great!! I was able to keep up and do all the exercises!! Now.....I'm not sure it was as difficult as Boot Camp, but I'm sure I'm thinking that because I was soooo miserable during my first day!

I'm planning to keep in touch with Beth and attend some of her classes in the fall after school starts back. Not only does she look great, but she's had FOUR kids!! She must know what she's doing to have had 4 kids and look so fabulous.


Today....
I'm proud of me!
I believe I can do this.
I believe I can make good choices.
I believe this CAN be a lifestyle change.

Today, I just believe~~~

I did it...day 15!!

It was a rough start. I didn't want to go to Boot Camp this morning. I woke up before 7:00 and thought,"I'll just snooze a little longer. I don't have to be up until 7:30." Let's face it...I'm going to work out and sweat my GUTS out. All I do to get ready is brush my teeth and make sure my hair isn't standing on end! So I stayed in bed...my soft, cozy, comfy bed.......

Finally dragging myself out at 7:45, I brushed my teeth, fought the girls into a sports bra, threw on some clothes, grabbed a banana and my water, and raced out the door. I really didn't want to. All I could think was, "I HATE this. I DON'T want to do this!"

I was too busy focusing on how much I HATE it, I didn't realize I had already done the hardest part...I got out of bed and was on my way! I ended up calling a friend. I'm so thankful for my friends!!!!

Cyn is one of my ScrapShare friends. She is an aerobics instructor. Who better to call when I don't want to be there?! She encouraged me....reminding me how much I like it that my clothes are fitting different. She reminded me of why I'm doing this. There are many people I could have called for the same thing, but I thought the aerobics instructor might bust my butt more!!

I got there and began the workout. And something happened! Something shocking...at least to me. I could do it! I could complete the exercises!! My form may not have been perfect, but I could DO IT!! When we first started, I could barely hold the bridge pose. That's the exercise where we're holding ourselves up, parallel to the floor on our forearms and toes. When we first started, I could hardly hold it for 10 seconds...and that was grunting and dripping sweat like a faucet from the tip of my nose. Today I was able to hold the bridge for the whole minute! One whole minute!!

Throughout the whole workout, I was able to do all of them!! Other days, I've had to stop and catch my breath, then catch up with the group. Today, I was able to keep up with the group!! I was able to do each and every single exercise! Yay Me!!!

Now...for the comic relief. :)
Most days after our workout, we walk a mile and chat along the way. Today as we were on the return path to our cars, I said, "OMG...what's that?" There up in front of us, on the side of the road, was some weird black and white, long and skinny thing...moving towards the road. About that time, I realized what it was. "Oh look at the mommy skunk and her babies!" They were so cute! They looked like tiny kittens! When I said that outloud, it registered with all of us at the same time and we stopped in our tracks! We watched them as they continued along the right side of the road, coming toward us!! Elaine said,"What are we gonna do? They're coming this way." About that time, they decided to cross the road...so we continued to stand still and watch. But then Mommy Skunk began leading her litter down the LEFT side of the road....still towards us where we were standing motionless! She led them a little off the path...about 3 feet from the roadside where we were walking, so I decided that was our chance. "Come on guys, let's make a run for it before she does something we won't like." So we take off at a quick walk, keeping our eyes on her. Just as we became even with her and the babies, she spotted us!! OH NO! She ran around her kittens (that's what baby skunks are called...I looked it up! LOL) and put herself between us and them and raised her head looking at us. We took off!! You have never seen a group of middle aged women running so fast in all your life!!

When we stopped running, we looked back at the cute family of skunks waddling along the roadside, going the other direction. And we laughed and laughed and laughed!! It's really hard to laugh and run at the same time!

Today, I just believe~~~

A Lazy Day...it happens!

Last night we had crazy storms around midnight. I'm not sure how long they lasted, but I was in the 'twilight zone' during all the excitement. You know, that state you're in when you're not really awake, but you can hear everything that's going on around you? In other words, I didn't sleep well at all!

Besides that, the electricity flickered (that's what we get for living in the middle of nowhere!) and when the alarm went off this morning, it was actually 7:50 instead of 7:00. Could I have made it? Sure...woulda been about 15 minutes late, but I coulda made it. But after a night with little sleep, I decided I wanted to sleep...so I did.

I'm kinda scared about it though...because I don't feel very guilty at all. I know, I know...it's okay to have a lazy day once in a while. But I don't need to get used to the idea, kwim? If it becomes 'easy' for me to sleep in, I'll be in the same boat I've been in with all the gym memberships I've started...and paid for...and not attended!

I NEED this for my LIFE! I cannot afford to have many days like this. If you've read this today, remind me of this. Remind me of why it's so important to KEEP IT UP at all cost!!

Day 13...is it Friday yet?

Today was a killer...I feel like I say that everyday! Today I hated it. Today was a day when I almost cried. Then I get mad because I'm about to cry. These emotions don't help me when I'm trying my best to complete an exercise!! Then I get even madder because the emotions make it harder!! And then I started feeling nauseous...and THAT made me mad! I worked through it...and I finished the workout in one piece...barely!

I don't know why it seemed harder though. But I wonder, should it be this hard all the time to get the benefits from it? That's a scary thought. But then, maybe that's when I can LIKE what I'm doing?

Mr. Candy seems to be alternating...one day we do more on legs, the next more on upper body, but both days we work core.

Speaking of Candy, I'm not liking him to much today. He is very quiet for the most part. I need someone who will banter with my smart aleck comments. I need someone to laugh with me. He's not doing that. The ladies I work out with are better at that, and that's great and it does help, but...

We didn't walk today, which was okay with me. I was doing good to make it down the driveway to my car!

Today is a day...I just want to see a difference. I just WANT to believe.

Day 12

I just had a thought (imagine that!)
I hope that anyone who reads this, keeps my goofy, smart-aleck attitude in mind and that you're able to 'hear' me as you read. Otherwise, I suppose some of it could be misconstrued as very rude!

Well it's over...day 12 that is. I noticed a couple of things today.

I can more balance now. When I first started down this road, I couldn't stand on my left foot for any length of time. Was it because of the extra weight or just a balance issue? I guess it could be both.

**But that leads me to another bad issue!! The scales have NOT moved! How in the world could I have gone through 2 weeks of torture and not lost any weight?! I know, I know....muscle weighs more than fat, I'm building muscle now, blah, blah, blah....but it still would be nice to see something on the scales. How in the heck can the people on The Biggest Loser lose 15 lbs. the first week?? Are they not building muscle right away? Are they working alot harder than I am? I mean, I know I only work out an hour a day...then I walk 30-60minutes. I'm sure they spend many more hours, but come ON! I'll admit I've lost inches. I can tell in how my clothes fit. One of the ladies says she can see it in my face too. But it's always nice to see it on the scale!**

And on to the second thing I've noticed...I can do the jogging and breathe much easier. I'm able to jog the half-length of the gym twice (WITH the rest of the ladies!) and go on to the next exercise! I am SOOO excited about that!!! One of my desires, as sick as it may be, is to be able to jog for exercise. I'd like to be able to "go for a run" to help with stress as well. It's looking like it might be possible one day.

Today while we were working out and I was grunting to lift the 20lb. weights (one in each hand!) over my head, I asked Graham,"Aren't you supposed to be saying,'good job' and stuff like that?" He laughed and said,"But you're here, so that's a given." I answered, "Oh hell no....I need you sitting on my shoulder! I need to hear it!" The other ladies piped up and agreed. Elaine even added,"We never hear that so we need to hear it! It's pretty silent at home." We all laughed....then grunted through the next exercise.

Okay, maybe there's 3 things I've noticed. I am amazed at my stomach muscles. I can feel them (with my hands) when we're doing the millions of crunches or bicycles or leg lifts. One day I'd love to have the washboard stomach. I'll just have to keep working to get the towels off of it!!

Today I believe...
...maybe it's working.
...maybe this can be a lifestyle...but how?
...there are more muscles in my arms than I thought possible.

Today, I just believe.

Another day, another grunt!!

The first day of the rest of the week...and once again I've survived, although I'm not sure how!

Mr. Eye Candy was back today, and he had NO mercy! He really worked out butts off....I'm sure he could have picked it up and handed it to me on a silver platter!

Sometimes, while I'm grunting through an exercise, I think,"Gosh, I hope I don't have some weird heart condition that has gone undiscovered!" It would be terrible to die right here in the gym. And then when the EMS got there, they would think,"OMG, this lady must have drowned!Why else would she be soaking wet?"

There are no words, except today was really, really hard. We were working a circuit, doing an exercise for 1 minute, then doing side-steps from midcourt to the end of the gym and back....TWICE! Then we moved on the the next exercise, then down the gym and back. Of course I don't know the official names of the exercises, but I know what it is!

I started with the medicine ball squats. We have to raise the ball and slam it to the ground as hard as we can, but we have to squat and catch it as it bounces. After side-stepping, I moved to the mountain climbers (I think that's what they are called) They are deadly! More side-steps, then bicycling, side-steps....and you won't believe the next one! We had to back up to the wall and get into a sitting position (without a chair of course!) While holding a medicine ball between our knees, we had to hold another one straight out in front of us....and stay like that for a solid minute. HA! That's all I'm gonna say about that. After side-stepping, it was my turn at the bicep curls. Before it was over, I had also done squats holding a 15lb. weight by the bell and lowering it the floor while squatting, the iron cross....with squats of course, and also doing tricep work by holding another 15lb. weight by the bell and while keeping our elbows by our head, lifting the weight behind and over our head. Good grief...I think I just pulled a muscle while re-living it here!!

Tomorrow is another day...*sigh* I don't think I'll like it any more, but...like a good friend once told me...It's my butt...I made it this big...so I've gotta move it!!

Ups and Downs

Well, today was day 10 of Boot Camp and I'm happy to say I'm still alive!! I can still walk. I can still breathe. I can still dress myself. Surprising I know!!

Today seemed like a light day. We did the usual...squats, presses, Russian twists, bicycles, oh...and don't forget about the jogging to the end of the gym and back 4 times between each set!! I'm really really hoping that it wasn't an easier workout, but that the workout is becoming easier.

I notice a difference in how my clothes are fitting. I know I've lost inches in my waist and hips...I can tell by how my shirts fit. They aren't hanging on my hips, but rather sliding down over them! Yay!! I also wore a t-shirt yestesday that's been too tight for a long time. It wasn't loose, but it fit just right.

I just gotta keep this up!
Our plans have changed and we're not going on vacation next week, so I'll be able to *enjoy* another week of Boot Camp before the week of July 4th! Woohoo! :)

Just believing I must need a shrink!

Tomorrow concludes the second week of Boot Camp. While I don't HATE it anymore, it's definitely not something I love. That being said, today was the second morning the alarm went off and I consciously made the decision to roll over and go back to sleep. I only have to get up at 7:30, so it's not THAT early.

Why do I do this? I know I need to do this. I'm proud of myself on the days I go and watch what I eat...those are "good" days. I don't understand my own way of thinking. Remember on Monday, I wasn't able to go to Boot Camp because of the workshop, so I made an appointment for personal training ON MY OWN!! I went and had no problem. Why won't I get up and go regularly? It's not that I'm oversleeping...it's a conscious decision, "I just wanna go back to sleep." Boot Camp is not offered at any other time, so that's not an option.

Would someone get in my head and figure out why I set myself up for failure like this??

On days like today, I don't want to post anything here, because it makes me feel like I'm showing the "world" I've failed. I know "tomorrow is another day" and somedays I struggle....but knowing it and feeling it are two different things.

Today I've gotta believe that I'm not a failure just because I didn't have a good day.
I've gotta believe I can keep going and lose this weight.
I've gotta believe one day it will be second nature to exercise and eat right.
Today I'm just believing it...until it happens. *sigh*

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

Today's entry is short and sweet...cause I'm TIRED!

I did boot camp today. First day after missing 4 days in a row.

And I'm PROUD to say, it wasn't too bad!! I mean, I didn't LOVE it or anything...but I could manage! Then afterwards, we walked 3.4 miles.

When I got home, my friend had arrived with her 2 kids and we decided to take them all the lake for the afternoon. We packed up a picnic and the fishing stuff and spent the afternoon/evening there. We really had a great time!!

So it has been a busy day...and I'm beat!!

Today I believe that hard work isn't too bad.
Today I believe that I'll live to see tomorrow even though I'm sore.
Today I believe...mostly....that I CAN do this!

Abs of Steel...wool!

Boy have I felt my abs today! After all the leg work Casey had me doing yesterday, I thought I'd have more trouble walking...but that's not the case! Today the problem has been laughing! I can really tell I worked my abs...from the bottom of my chest all the way to my hips! I guess that's good. Who would have thought there were that many muscles in that area??

Today wasn't the best day for eating. I even packed my lunch for the workshop today! I thought that would keep me from eating the rich foods at the restaurant which the group chose to dine. It did help....except I wanted more tonight. I haven't really had a full meal of cheating...just bits and pieces...until tonight. My "cheat" meal tonight was 4 wings and 4 pieces of a BLT pizza. Not huge pieces...just the squares. I'm wondering...is it better to cheat on a night when I know I'll get my butt kicked tomorrow during my workout, or is it better to enjoy it on the weekend when I can enjoy it? Will it make my workout harder? I'm thinking it will...but as far as burning it off...I'm not sure when is best.

Tomorrow I'm back at Boot Camp. I'm anxious to get there and make sure I can keep up. I've asked about getting a list of exercises I can do while I'm on vacation and visiting family.

Hmmm....today, my belief is not as strong, but I always feel that way after I'm indulged while trying to make a lifestyle change (like the way I DIDN'T call it a DIEt!?)

I know it's understandable and appropriate to enjoy eating from time to time. I just have to make sure it doesn't happen again for at least a week or so. So today I don't INternally believe, so I have to fake it til I make it, right?

I CAN do this!!

Personal Trainer Day

Today was my first time having a personal training session. If it weren't so expensive, I really think I'd like it on a regular basis.

I arrived for my session 15 minutes early so I could change into workout clothes. I had been sitting through a literacy workshop all day, so my body was actually ready to move! After changing, a trainer told me to "Hang loose", because my trainer wasn't there yet. So I waited...and waited....and waited. Finally, 20 minutes after my session was to begin, I went looking for a trainer to tell me what was going on. About that time, MY trainer came running in. He had been stuck in traffic. It happens....but it helped when he apologized and explained I would still get my full hour....which I guess is a good thing! haha

He really worked me....jogging, squatting, step-ups....more jogging, squatting, step-ups. Now I must admit...he wasn't too hard on the eyes. (His were ocean blue, by the way!) That made it a little easier to stay the course!!

But he messed up. Even though he's not much younger than I am, he called me MA'AM!!! Now since I'm a GRIT, I shouldn't be bothered by being referred to that way. But he was MY teacher for the time being...he was "in charge"! When I commented that I'm not old enough to be called that, he answered, "No Ma'am, but my daddy would slap me across the face if I didn't refer to you that way. My daddy is from Alabama." Well, in that case, I had to overlook it, right?!

Anyway...back to the workout! After all the jogging, squatting, and stepping up, my legs were jello. So Casey only made me walk around the building 3 times. He said my job was to keep up with him, so it would be a brisk walk. Did I mention he's probably 6'1"....and all leg? He was STROLLING along while I was panting and flopping my poor jello legs along...trying my best to keep up!!

When we went inside, we started on the core...and I didn't think I could get up off the floor when we were finished!!

[SIDETRACKED...Apple core! Baltimore! Who's your friend? Me! Haha Sorry...A.D.D kicked in, but do you remember that from the cartoons?]

All in all, I enjoyed working with Casey. He was supportive, but not in a "poor fat girl...let me make her feel good" way. He was very genuine. I need that from time to time. I can hear, "You can do it!" until my ears fall off...but that's kinda a generic thing. Ya know what I mean...when you meet someone and say, "Hi, how are you?"...do you REALLY want to know how they are, or is it just a polite thing to say? I don't need any more of THAT type of encouragement. I mean, I like polite, but polite doesn't motivate me.

Hmmmm....as I come to the end of this entry, I'm thinking I was rather scattered today. Guess that's what kind of a day it was. :)

Today, I believe in personal trainers! I believe it's possible to monitor calories for a solid week and not cheat more than the calories allowed. I believe it's possible to drink 8 glasses of water in one day.

Today I just believe...I CAN do this!!

A New Look

Okay, now that I'm doing this whole blog thing, I thought I'd experiment a little and see what's out there. I liked this layout, but I'm not sure it will stay. I mean, "Come on!", the lighthouse was nice, but I've never seen a real one...only in pics and on TV! However, I've seen a waterfall :)

I watched my eating this weekend. While I cheated just a little, it was still within a reasonable range, so I was pleased. I also walked 3 miles tonight...should have walked more, but it's too late now!

Tomorrow and Tuesday are workshop days, but I have a personal training session scheduled. Hopefully when I return to Boot Camp on Wednesday, I won't be too far behind.

That's what I'm believing!!

Special Ingredient Noodle Soup

Day 5:
Today there is good news and bad news. First the bad...day 5...didn't happen. :(
For some reason, I could NOT sleep last night. It was after 2:00 when I finally did. Then Abbie had me up at 5:00 this morning. When the alarm clock went off at 6:30, I just couldn't get up. It was almost like a dream...I remember thinking, "I need to get up." But apparently I never DID!

I'm really disappointed in myself. I'm trying really hard to think about what my Daddy always says..."You must have needed that sleep." That's great for retired people *smirk*. I went to SS and read some new posts on my thread about Boot Camp, and then I just felt worse.

Now for the good news...
I did not blow my eating plan!! I couldn't decide what to eat, and I wasn't really hungry, so I just had a cup of coffee. Then G appeared and asked if we could go the movies. Sounded like a good idea, so off we went.

We saw "Kung Fu Panda". It wasn't the best movie ever, but it had a great message. In the movie, the panda's father sells soup with a special ingredient. At the end of the movie, the father finally shares the ingredient with Panda. I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I'll just say I really like the message of the movie. I came out of the movie with a whole new attitude.

I've already called the guy that runs Boot Camp and requested personal training sessions for Monday and Tuesday, since I'll be at a workshop those days. I'm waiting for a call back to confirm it.

Today I believe when you fall off the horse, get right back on.
Today I believe in not giving up.
Today I believe in the special ingredient.
Today, I just believe~~~

My Heart Still Beats...

Day 4:
Today was interesting. Our original trainer is on vacation for a couple of weeks, so we had a new guy.

Camp is held in an enclosed gym behind the house of one of the participants. They built it as a huge horse stable, and then decided horses were too dangerous with kids around, so they enclosed it and turned it into a gym. It has a full basketball court, as well as extra space big enough for a batting cage. When I got there this morning, the other 4 ladies were standing in the yard and the new instructor wasn't there yet. But it didn't last long. By the time we were at the door, he pulled in.

He's definitely not as cute as the first...and I know I'm not there for THAT, but come on!! Being that it's so freaking miserable, it would be nice to have a little eye candy, know what I mean? :)
He has muscles, but he's tall and lanky...reminded me of Mr. Goodbody.

He had us start by skipping the length of the gym and back...3 times. And of course...not regular skips, but skipping with our knees as high as we could get them. Have you ever seen me skip? Even the sports bra doesn't hold the girls down! So I'm skipping, and holding the girls down, and skipping back...and breathing. I keep forgetting to breathe! I've never had that problem before, but I've never worked this hard before either.

After skipping to my freakin' Lou *smirk*, we did bicycles...on our back on the floor. Except while our feet were peddling (6" off the floor!), our upper body was doing crunches. Guess who was pretty good at this?? Don't ask me why....I guess years of overeating made a good stomach muscle. After another couple of exercises, the slave driver made us jog! We had to jog to the other end of the gym and back...3 times. When we got back to our spot, he had a new exercise for us to do with the weights...and then jog...3 times.

This went on for the whole hour. And of course the other ladies were just chit-chatting away, enjoying their workout, talking about how fun it is. WTH?!?! Would ya take a look at the fat chick and have mercy?? Maybe one day I'll think it's fun, but today it sucks!!

There is one lady who is very supportive and keeps saying things like,"Keep it up..you're doing great....only a few more....how ya doing....okay?" It's nice that somebody seems to care. Usually when the fat chick is working out, the other people give her glances as if to say,"I can't believe she's doing this! "....almost like we don't belong there. But then there are the looks that say,"She's gonna die any minute!". Meehhhh. I won't die, if you won't look at me that way!

I'm proud to say that after class, I walked with the ladies...a full mile today (at least that's what it measured in the car).

Today I'm believing the more I work, the less sore I am. I'm believing I've lost a little this week...a little weight, a little sweat, a little body mass.

Just believe.

Boo-Tay Boot Camp

This has been an unbelievable week. Who would believe I would ever sign up, on my own free will, for BOOT CAMP!! Well...it happened. This blog is a result of my push to BELIEVE in myself!! I CAN do this.

Here's a review of the week:

Monday--I've shared my boring story before, so some of you know I have battled weight all my life. Not just an extra 20 pounds, but I'm considered morbidly obese. Over my 35 years, I've done so many diets I lost count! I even auditioned for The Biggest Loser when they were in town, but my partner and I weren't chosen. Then I tried doing it on my own, but it just wasn't working. I thought about losing weight alot, but thinking doesn't make it so!
Finally an opportunity came along that I could not pass up. If I let this go by, that would have meant I had given up on LIVING! I was sent a link to a website about a summer fitness program for kids. When I checked it out, there was a link for Adult Fitness Boot Camp. I clicked on it...just to 'see'. When I read the details, I knew it was MY opportunity. My 'class' meets for an hour every day, M-F. Today was the first day and it runs through the 2nd week of August.

There were only 4 of us there today, and of course I was the only FAT one. The other 3 were just women who wanted to 'get in shape and tone up'. They were really supportive though. I found it interesting that I could do some things much easier than they could! I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. It was 8AM, and it was already a very humid 75 degrees. It was comfy, until we started moving!! I was able to do all the exercises...but I was sweating like a pig!! Here's the tricky part...I HATED every minute of it. It wasn't fun. It wasn't exciting. But I pushed through. At one point, I thought I was gonna puke, but I just took some deep breaths and pushed through. At the end of my first hour, I was still going, but I started seeing "spots" so the instructor told me I was finished for the day....darn!

I've got my healthy foods/snacks in the house. I've already had 60 oz. of water today.This WILL work. My LIFE depends on it.

Tuesday--
Day 2...I overslept!! And I'll admit I laid there looking at the clock thinking, "It's 8:00 right now....is it really worth getting out ot bed and rushing to get there? You won't get there until 8:30 anyway." Well, I'm happy to report I got my butt out of bed and threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth, grabbed a banana, and ran out the door. I got there at 8:30 and I jumped right in. I made it okay, but it WAS the shortened version.

And.....for the finale......The four of us ladies walked about a mile after class was over!! My thighs are killing me and I'm much more sore today than yesterday...to be expected though. I'm drinking my water. I didn't hate the workout as much today . I still didn't like it, but the 'hate' wasn't there. Guess I'll get up tomorrow and do it all again....except for the oversleeping part!!


Now you're caught up to today...
Day 3: Our instructor is so cute. He's a hottie, but a baby...about 24 years old I think. He's pretty supportive, but he's not as great as I'd like him to be. But then, he wouldn't be doing his job if he said,"Oh gosh...you look like you're having a hard time with that...you can skip this part." On the other hand, he doesn't get in my face and tell me to quit whining and suck it up either!

On that note...a friend in California is going through Boot Camp also. Her instructor sounds like JUST what I need. Today, her instructor told the class, "You made your butt that big, now you have to lift it!" Maybe that's what I need. Who knows?

So back to today...I made it through the class, but I've never sweated so much in my life!! We were doing a 'bridge' today, facing the mat, and I was sweating so much, it was dripping off my nose like a faucet....one drip after another!! I still don't like this Boot Camp stuff. But I keep telling myself, "Shut up...you don't like being fat either." And (at least for the last 3 days) I haven't wanted to eat anything unhealthy. I saw DH's stash of cookies this morning and thought, "OMG, you've lost your mind...after all the sweat and the held-back tears...no way are you screwing that up! Just think how much work you'd have to do again!"


So today, I'm believing in myself. I'm believing in people being supportive. I'm believing~~~